Map Of The Day – Sister-in-Law Special – 20 October 2009

This map is dedicated to my sister-in-law, and I must also say, a connoiseur of fridge magnetry as fine as there is on the other side of the pond.

I am not saying anything, nor hinting anything when I say that at present South America is poorly represented on the white good emporium in my kitchen. Indeed, only my boss’s Curitiba (Brazil) masterpiece represents South America. ABSOLUTELY NO HINTS! Do you know anyone going to South America, sister-in-law?

Here is a useful map for you, oh great Sister-in-law (and connoisure of fridge magnetry), in case you know anyone who might be going. I have no clue if anyone is, but on the off chance that you might.

I think you might find “more of where that came from” on this link. 

Oh, and I just have a Chicago Cubs one from the Windy City. In case you know anyone going there could get me another?

A Dour Plain Fridge Magnet…But Arty!

You know I love sunsets. You know I love fridge magnets! What better way to celebrate than to have a picture encapsulating both!

I'm Really Good....

This fridge magnet is one of the flag of Cornwall. Yes, we have a county that has its own flag. Who do they think they are? Anyway, I had to buy a flag in the form of a fridge magnet – no tat too precious – but how to photograph it for the fans of the fridge magnet cognoscenti. On a glorious Thursday night, just a week ago, we found ourselves on a cliff overlooking Kynance Cove as the sun went down…

So the keys prop up the magnet, the grass adds to the majesty, and the sun sets behind. Kernow forever!!!!!

Apres Rage, Le Photos!

And now, some pictures of my recent break in Cornwall. Nothing special, just some pictures for your delectation..

Looking down the hill...

The church in Boscastle

Boscastle (lower part)

Lovely Day...

Have Travels, Have Fridge Magnet

Finally – This Fridge Magnet Begs One Question

Magnets are cheap tourist tat. They have been created by cultural vacuums who have no sense of taste, decency, art or morality. But every so often, this genre surprises. The question fridge magnets such as the one below beg is “Why the F*ck Did They Bother?”

December 2007 and the one fingered bassist, Sir Peter and Dmitri booked a wild weekend in the pre-Christmas run up. We went to a closed down town in Sardinia called Alghero. It was a superb weekend despite the closed town, and many alcoholic beverages and excellent food was consumed. And I bought this…

This one is actually touching. There are several materials involved, with netting, a flag, a wooden base, painted with care and attention. Why? It is really quite lovely, and so out of place on my fridge. Sailing as it is on my equally carefully crafted Ikea Garden Furniture, brought to you in association with Standing Just About productions, this vessel is not allowed on the front of the fridge because it is so fragile and I would not want it crashing into the kitchen wall when I reach for the mineral water through bleary eyes each night.

So it sails around the side, and if it were to bob around to the front, the first magnet it would see is that Cape Town monstrosity below.

Even the magnet part is tastefully small. Adorable little piece this one….

Keeping Them Coming… An Uninspirational Loft

My beloved, who I love more each day that the dawn rises, and that is the truth, has a wonderful family. Her sister is a constant source of wondrous fridge magnetry, as witnessed by the evil Minnesota Mossie, and the premier league quality San Francisco Bad Penny (not Brad Penny, the Red Sox reject who is showing how easy NL pitching is) guff – top drawer. However, and I don’t wish this to sound ungrateful in any way, because I don’t mean it, but even the best “mail it in”. Unless, given the characters involved, this is some sort of post-ironic get back at your’s truly, and that this fridge magnet is so boring it is good. Hang about, maybe that is it.

What did I know about Edmonton, Alberta before this fridge magnet. The 1978 Commonwealth Games when I thought it was a suburb of Montreal, the only other city (other than the capital Ottawa) I knew. Or where Wayne Gretzky played ice hockey when I found it on a map. They held a world athletics championship too. However, when it comes to fridge magnets, well they, quite frankly, don’t give a shit.

No Made In China here – pure Canadian in design, concept and manufacture. A rubbish joke on the front adds to the magnet being modelled here on the arm of the Ikea Garden furniture assembled by Dmitri which has the theme tune “I’m Still Standing”. I am very proud of that chair – as I am any magnet I have. But this is dull. Three canadian geese grazing with some sort of gardening humour at play. Can I demand the head of the Edmonton Tourist Board head for this piece of nonsense. My lovely wife frequently refers to Canada as the Loft. As in the loft on top of a good party. Me? If this is as lively as they get, they should be called the Coma.

But there is so much more to investigate. The firm who manufactured this is Murphy Magnets. Suspiciously Irish. Someone actually copyrighted the design of this – (C) MC Per Design – and they have a website advertised on the back too! www.maplecanoe.com. When you enter the web address, you get nothing. Now I feel sad. Have they gone broke? what stories may lie beneath such a magnet. Is the designer now penniless?

Can you be surprised? With any magnet, there may be so much more to uncover…

Mandela’s Pride…And I Returned With A Monstrosity

On to another amazing instalment of “Just why did you buy that tat?” and this one is one of my own personal purchases so I can blame no-one else.

In 2004, on a cold December afternoon, I left Blighty for the Cape, with Good Hope in my heart. Having seen an ostrich, woken up a neighbourhood just by ringing a doorbell, put a Fez on, had big beer, and watched England lose as my lower leg turned to a rasher of bacon, our good fortune that the end of the test came with the removal of the tablecloth from the top of the southern city’s most famous monument meant we could get our arses up there and see for ourselves. You could see where Mandela was held from the top. His freedom would have been in jeopardy if he’d seen the souvenir shop at Table Mountain. First some nice pics.

Looking up - with the hint of the tablecloth..

Looking Down From The Top...

Isn’t it just amazing.

I then thought it would be a great idea to purchase this. Sir Peter was appalled…

For those of you too stunned for words, it is a bottle, neatly modelled on the arm of the Ikea Garden Furniture I assembled (note, it is still standing) containing genuine, so they say, rocks from the slopes of Table Mountain. There are no obvious signs of “Made in China” to disabuse us of this notion, but the very idea that people are scooping up mounds of gravel to insert into appalling bottles is so utterly preposterous for me not to believe that the grey detritus in there isn’t from the slopes of a slag heap just outside Shenzen.

However, this truly monstrous souvenir has now adorned two fridges in the house, and is a lock as the front door resident (top left corner). Cape Town has so much to offer, and all I bought was this – not a t-shirt, not a clock, not a key ring. A bottle. With gravel in.

Oh dear!

Enough To Give You The Hump

On today’s double bill of fridge magnet purchases from across the globe, we have a victim of the most grisly, gruesome of events. In fact, I believe as a carer for animals, this is barbaric, nee cruel. Who would produce a fridge magnet of an animal which had just had its head hacked off, and with its nation branded on its neck like a torture victim from one of those interminable Hostel / Saw thingamies which you would have more chence of me being caught in flagrante delicto with Miss World than watching.

The answer to your question of a nation sick enough to do this?

Morocco.

And they can’t even spell their own country’s name. I’ll bet it was a French conspiracy..

A Decapitated Ship Of The Desert

The purchaser of such filth has to be one of those sickos who enjoys watching Friday The Halloween films. Who could take pleasure in an animal’s pain? They didn’t even have the good grace to take his harness off before whipping off his noggin. The eyes are still open. Cold, lifeless eyes. Well, there’s only one eye, because the sickos then sliced its head down the middle. Someone, somewhere has the other half of this camel’s nut.

Grade A tat from the Arab world. I’ve just assessed their banking sector for work. I might be tempted to downgrade them now. Evil stuff.

Are people telling me something?

Back By Popular Demand

Well, it seems my limited readership don’t care too much for my music posts, nor my looks at life in general. They want fridge magnets. I know I have fallen behind in my duties, so without further ado, and an upset sister-in-law could also equal an upset wife, here is the next part of Fridge Magnets From Around The World.

Before the picture let me just explain that I don’t find this one very funny. As I sit typing this I have a very itchy, and quite sore example of what these bloody things can do. I must be the beluga caviar of the flying biter world. This summer they have devoured me with a relish not seen since sitting at Harpoon Henry’s at sundown with my shorts on (June 2007).

They Think This Is A Good Product?

You really have to ask yourself if the state of Minnesota has an image problem if they think this is a good commemorative product. Let me take you through its special features. Well, it is actually a single feature. If the name of state transposed on a pool of blood isn’t awful enough – and ooozing the blood out of a bite is about the only fun one can get from these bastards, I suppose – and the evil look on the bloody insect’s face isn’t vindictive enough for us poor sufferers, and the speech box for the rare breed of talking mossies they must have up in the northern sector of the colonies doesn’t bring a lump to your throat, the Minnesota tourist board decided to add an extra feature.

You see the eyes? Do you?

Well, if you shake the fridge magnet, they move. What a staggeringly useful thing for a fridge magnet that spends its life in one position. I applaud the searcher of such a product, to come up with this macabre tat is verily impressive. It resides on the front door of the fridge, and provides some mirth, even if I am smashing up the bottom glass plate within it…

However, one question needs to be asked? Who would send this to me as a 40th birthday present? A twisted soul, enthusing in my misery. At least it isn’t s fridge magnet of a bottle of absinthe!

More to follow. My readers have spoken.

Topical Fridge – Peter Andre’s Magnetism

Ah, yes. Another colleague has “stepped up to the plate” having returned from Peter Andre-land (no, not Australia – but Jordan, you muppets, you know – the why is she famous vacuum who he has “seperated”  from) with a double bill of fridge magnet heaven…

Exhibit A – Sheer Laziness In Construction, Sheer Genius In Purchasing….

In American parlance, in terms of tat production, this is “mailing it in”. The manufacturers couldn’t give a flying one about the brilliance, relevance or otherwise and have stuck a camel, a couple of palm trees, a lump of sand and the sun and not a hint of the bloody Dead Sea. Perhaps the sea is not dead, merely comatose like the designer and manufacturer of this tat. They’ve mailed it in so comprehensively that they have not even put the sticker on the backing straight. I’d be stunned if the damn thing sticks to my fridge, it is so contemptuously lazy (indeed, so lazy, it isn’t going on my fridge, but one of my freezers). My colleague, who for these purposes will be known by the name Victoria Not York has come up trumps with this piece of spectacular contempt.

My hearty congrats for this piece. Old freezer for your wares… in many ways as prestigious as the Front Door of the Fridge.

Exhibit B – I Cease To Be Amazed Any More…

Before I put the picture up of this, I would like to thank Victoria Not York for this, possibly the most bizarre fridge magnet outside of the legendary snowstorm one I’ll bring to your attention later. Which designer or manufacturer could possibly think a dead camel would make a fridge magnet to commemorate your visit to the country that brought you Petra and the Chicago Bulls finest player… that brought you King Hussein and the lead singer of New Kids on the Block..

No, this, I don’t care what you say, is a dead camel.. It is deceased. It is a non-camel.

Ripe For A Monty Python "Dead Camel" Sketch

I’m speechless. With gratitude for VNY and her kind thoughts when in Jordan to purchase two magnets for your humble author, and for the stunning ability to think outside the box in thinking a replica of a  stinking corpse of a “ship of the desert” would be appropriate for a fridge.

My cohorts have done well. May the games continue. You shall be rewarded in confectionary.

However, worryingly for me, my colleagues (see the filth from Amsterdam below) are showing worrying signs of having a “dark side”. Sex and death….. where will this depravity end?

Adult Entertainment, Fridge Magnet Style…

Put those easily offended or of tender age to bed. This fridge magnet is strictly for the broad minded only. Adult art to be put on your chiller. XXX to go with the milk and eggs and that mouldy onion stuck in the back of the salad drawer…. (yes, Dmitri does eat green food now the beloved is about).

Salacious fridge magnets aren’t usually for me, but a work colleague, who for the purposes of her own protection shall be known as No Relation Of Patrick has been away and on my request, had fridge magnet lodged in her brain. That No ROP came up with this is deeply worrying. Behind that cool, calm, collected analytical exterior, dark forces are working inside that mind if this magnet is anything to go by. Think Hong Kong Phooey. Think Mild Mannered Analysts…

Come on Dmitri, you are wittering. From where has this piece of filth come? What is it? How bad can it be?

Number 1 – It comes from…

Red Hot Dutch.

It is bad, very bad…Without further ado…

Sorry, not quite THAT BAD!

Dutch Filth

Where do I start. Apart from the ladies of the night easily recognisable in the downstairs’ windows, one of whom looks like a potential case for CSI Amsterdam as she has a particularly nastygunshot wound to the abdomen – who knows what lay behind that particular story? The other one has decided to tarmac herself in sympathy but done just about as good a job as my local authority. Upstairs, if you look closely, there are two more ladies of the night, both wearing light blue lingerie. I think. They look like the muppet pigs who sing in that Manamana video.

No, there are other great touches. The stairwell at the front sticks out. Unfortunately, if I put this on the “fridge door”, that stairwell may get clobbered so it is, sadly, relegated to the side, although this deserves front billing. But my favourite bit is the “Pentagram” above the door. Was this supposed to be a Star of David and this the House of Anne Frank – which as NoROP said “is wrong on so many levels”, or something entirely more sinister? Are they Moroccan? Are they followers of the Occult?

So many questions with this dark offering. My thanks to NoROP for her excellent contribution. A wonderful piece of tat. The best thing to come out of the Netherlands since..

UPDATE – This post has had to be edited because some sick bastards who after illegal material to do with children somehow get linked to this post. This is because I have the phrase “Put the Kids to Bed” and an acronym I used for the purchaser. It is a sick world we live in.

Fridge Magnet – Part 7 – I Bought My Tat… In San Francisco!

One of the benefits of marrying into the wonderful family I have done, is that one member of the clan has a job that takes her all over the glorious United States, and through my beloved, a good friend who travels to the parts sister of beloved can’t reach..

So Sister Of The Beloved had a visit to the Bay recently and via my fridge magnet courier, this piece of pure majesty was presented me straight after the WindyBricks victory yesterday!

Grade A San Fran Tat!

So, to amend Tony Bennett’s opus ever so slightly..

The fridge magnets from Paris
Seems somehow sadly gay
The thermometer in Rome
Is of another day
I’ve seen some woeful old tat
Overpriced crap in Manhattan
I’m getting a belter from the city by the bay.

Let me take you through the characteristics that make this a “Fridge Door” certainty.

The thermometer ticks one of the boxes all fridge magnets of mine should aspire to do so.  Unfortunately, Elizabeth, the thermometer isn’t off straight but that is not to be faulted, for to do so would be churlish. Because where the straightness of the thermometer is somewhat different from the free and easy reputation of the city, the provision in this magnet of a “lucky penny” trumps all. What in the name of Karl Malden and Michael Douglas is that coin doing there? What rhyme and reason is there for this “Quinn Martin Production”

Let me ramble off track. Oh, and insert this..

Can you find anything resembling the tram and the bridge on these opening titles? Well, can you? Is that supposed to be Luther Adler “Special Guest Starring” on the Lucky Penny? Is that supposed to be the Golden Gate Bridge? Is that supposed to be a tram?

The above titles used to be heard loud and clear downstairs when I was going to bed, ready for school the next day. Mum and Dad used to watch this, and the words “A Quinn Martin Production” meant “go to sleep, you little urchins”. This fridge magnet not only reminds me of dropping off to sleep to Karl Malden, but it is a special trinket of tat from a city I’d like to visit, flowers in my hair or not….

Cheers, Sister Elizabeth!

UPDATE! On second inspection, as if the magnet can’t get any more perfect, the thermometer is, ever so slightly, off kilter. I’ve Got My Tat…From San Francisco

Fridge Magnet Friday – Number 6

This is tat from the lowest drawer and in many ways I really should not put it on this blog. But it will show up the perils of tat shopping.

Let me explain first, by showing you the magnet in question, and letting you know my failings..

What’s the matter Dmitri, I hear no-one cry… On the face of it this is a woeful piece of work suitable for the front door of any fridge. I’m afraid there is a key reason it does not. We have an exotic location – San Pedro in Belize is THE San Pedro in La Isla Bonita, a vaguely passable tune by Madonna. The sting rays, as I can vouch, are around just off the coast as we had the pleasure of swimming among them in 4 feet swells off Ambergris Caye. The tropical fish have been bred using the zebra in the Kilimanjaro magnet’s DNA. Not sure what is going on with that starfish – I’m not sure it resembles anything in the animal kingdom. We even appear to have a miniature sun in the bottom left corner. The rocks are raised on the magnet itself, and the rays have eyes only Steve Irwin could love (sorry Croc Man). This wonderful piece of craft cost me 10 Belize Dollars.

So why the long face Dmitri. This is exceedingly tacky and an appropriate token from a lovely stop on our honeymoon.

The problem is that it is a fridge magnet in name only. Its magnet does not work. So it isn’t a magnet….. So it is a fail!

Fridge Magnet Friday – Exhibit Number 5

I am on a roll, and this one comes courtesy of another great friend and work colleague, Trevor. Earlier this year he and his wife Deborah had a trip of a lifetime to celebrate a big birthday, and Trevor approached the brief with gusto. A magnet of dubious taste from the inspiration of Toto’s magnificent opus. Just like Kilimanjaro, this fridge magnet rises like Olympus on my fridge door. The Serengeti may have the big game, but my fridge is the big name in tasteless magnets.

Let the exhibit be displayed….

Where on earth do I start? Well I’ll let the elephant rest as this is a reasonable facsimile of the mighty beast. The giraffe at the back has clearly been at Ben Johnson’s medicine cabinet, bulked up like an East German shot putter from those halcyon days…We have a zebra that looks like he’s lost his stripes in the wash, the rhino’s horn has to be seen in 3D to work (the animals are raised on the magnet itslef), while the buffalo is in miniature and his legs have run. But the lion and the other spotted cat take the biscuit. You may believe the spots that are on the spotted cats torso are the same as those used for his eyes. You’d be wrong. They are holes….

Notice behind the animals is Kilimanjaro, avec snow. I’m going to keep this for any relatives in the future because Big Al Gore reckons this will be a thing of the past. We have a token tree on the left and the whole magnet is surrounded in a mock shield effect. Truly remarkable. Cheers, Trevor.

Fridge Magnet Friday… Number 4

The fourth example of fridge magnet genius comes courtesy of my former colleague and fantasy league maestro Gareth who visited New Zealand earlier this year. His brief, which he chose to accept, was to get me a fridge magnet lacking in anything resembling taste. Gareth delivered. This one is so good it deserves two photographs. I cannot convey the majesty of its unutterable tackiness without taking another breath, and hence let the pictures speak for themselves…

Before the next picture let me explain its majesty. On the left we have the thermometer, which quite surprisingly is in remarkably straight. The real excellence is on the right. I’ve chosen two shots where the snowstorm element is in its pomp. The irony of the snowstorm is that many of the pictures behind the scenes are of sunshine, yachting and wineries. Just the type of conditions snow revel in. I have a better snowstorm magnet to come, I can tell you…

Add to the snowstorm, look at the fern…

This fern moves….just brilliant. It moves with the snow. I cannot express my admiration for Gareth’s nose for tat enough. It is without doubt a total masterpiece, and one of the best I have. It takes a prestigious position on the front door of the fridge, and it looks unlikely to be usurped any time soon. There can be no finer honour.

Fridge Magnet, Scandinavian Style – Part 3

And so on to Exhibit C. One thing that scores high on my Tatometer is the presence of a thermometer on my magnets. They are, of course, of utterly no use whatsoever. That’s the point. They rarely resemble the ambient temperature in the house, they are nearly always wonky on the magnet, and well… I just don’t get existentialism, so I called in a builder.

This magnet says it all….

What on earth were the Swede’s thinking? Heaven knows what the hell this is supposed to represent! Is it supposed to be funny? I’m assuming the moose is expressing a trait well known in the species for vandalism and chaviness, by vandalising a road sign to indicate that this is where he crosses the road? Hence he has black ink and a brush. Where’s the road? Why is the sun shining in the background? Where do the trees stop and the grass begin? At least you get mooses in Sweden. Jake the Border Collie tried to sabotage this piece by deleting loads of the text. A pooch who loathes fridge magnets. But like the Swedish spirit, this magnet survives the harshest of tests….

Add to this, the wondrous thermometer, in nice and wonkily, and you have tat for tat’s sake. Magnificent stuff.

My thanks to Liz for this and other excellent examples of the art which will be along in due course…. Bet you can’t wait.

The Next Fridge Magnet – Part 2

I’m saving some of the really truly dismal magnets for much later in the piece. However, the next two exhibits are worthy of their place (a) because they are simplistically anodyne; and (b) I am grateful for the gifts from my correspondents..

So, to exhibit B..Wisconsin - aka The Badger State or The Dairy State. Nope, not a sign of a badger or a cow here… Famous for cheese, and brewing in Milwaukee, the largest city, we instead get some old mooses and something that could be passed off as one of their emblems, the White-tailed Deer. There are trees, and what looks like a worryingly sized golf ball about to hit the poor little deer in the head. Cruelty or surreal.. you can read much into this art. If you are mad.

Such a magnet, flat in design with no really exciting features, just some generic old pap for a punter like me to lap up like a demented badger marooned away from his sett, fits the fridge concept perfectly. It doesn’t fall off. It doesn’t get damaged when you sling open the fridge door at night, and…well. It just sits there.

My utmost thanks to Audrey, the beloved’s very good friend, for this purchase. Another of her concept-fitting purchases will be along later… Another state theme as well… Can you guess where it is yet?

The First In ANOTHER New Series…

It is freaky anorak time. One of my ridiculous obsessions that makes the beloved’s eyes roll when I get another.

I apologise. I’m a fridge magnet magnate. I love them, and I especially love them tacky.

I have many examples of tackiness, but today I’ll start with my newest addition to the fridge.

Isn’t it magnificent? I’d like to thank my work colleague Eleanor for bringing this back from her holiday to the ex-British colony. It captures the essence of any good fridge magnet. Totally tasteless, utter tat, with exceptional old rubbish on it. We have a cruise liner, an aeroplane, something pruporting to be a Chinese Junk, but looks more like someone’s ice cream has fallen off its cone. We have the monument to Independence, the Bank of China building and the mountains behind. It is a magnificent specimen.

I shall educate you further with more fridge magnets – and some are spectacular indeed – in the near future. Bet you can’t wait!