Most loathesome team (All Sport)
It would be tempting to go for the New York Yankees for their end of year spending spree, for Manchester United as the most ungracious Champions League winners and perennial figure of my hate, or for the Australian cricket team but it would be unfair to laugh at them in this current darkest hour. A dark horse would be the Indian cricket team for becoming good at the same time as they take up their mantle as the world’s dominant domestic cricket force. But in a leftfield choice, and one that will please one of my correspondents, I’ll go for Glasgow Rangers, for putting up that show at the UEFA Cup Final, for being the charming travellers we knew they were, and for just being them.
Most loathesome sporting individual (All Sport)
Some really honourable mentions here for Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter as the Yankees spiralled out of the post-season, for the ever annoying (to me only) Ian Bell who somehow stays in the England team despite doing eff all squared, and for Ricky Ponting who still, somehow, makes my blood boil every time I see him on the televison. At the end of the day it comes down to two – and Cristiano Ronaldo pips Matthew Hayden to the post. Hayden went backwards towards the end of the year and this fall from grace means my loathing diminishes as he desperately clings on to fame. Ronaldo, though, wins because he just does not change. He’s a great player with the ethics of a snake. He cheats, he dives, he sneers, he piss-takes, he cons, he weasels, he betrays, he stirs, and yet he is rewarded. I despise the man with my very soul.
Most loathsome sports reporter – press (All Sport)
I am going to rename this award the Martin Samuel Award. Him again. No reason other than I haven’t the foggiest where Oliver Holt is these days.
Most loathsome sports reporter – TV and radio (All Sport)
Now this is a good one and shows the power of one minute over a drip feed of incessant banality. If I had not had BBC on the day Hull beat West Bromwich, the insipid, odious Jeff Shreeves off Sky Sports would have had it all day long. Even this week, when Wenger had the hump, he asked such dumb questions, such soft tosses to a man in a mood, that he couldn’t bring him out to say anything controversial or even to get him to flounce off. But, no, Jeff, you lose to Garth Crooks. I remember when Ray Stubbs went to him as Hull were going top (I think) albeit briefly of the Premier League, and asked what Garth thought. He stuck his nose up in the air, imperceptibly scratching his chin like some wisened old guru, and then went into a monologue on what Tottenham’s chairman should be saying to Juande Ramos. I screamed at the TV, which if it wasn’t on the top of my fridge may have been propelled through the window. You win, Crooks.
Most loathsome commentator (All Sport)
It is not even close. In this field, where the likes of Peter Drury, Alan Green, John Motson, Sir Ian Botham, Ian Healy, Euan Murray and Alan Parry roam the airwaves, there is one man guaranteed to get the blood pressure up to unsafe levels. Mark Nicholas. I will leave the sycophantic Australian commentary for one minute (you can imagine how much snivelling and crawling he did around Ritchie Benaud to get that gig) where he can scream “OH NO” when Hayden gets out (when all Englishmen should be going “F*** Yes”), but it is his hyperbolic drivel that gets to me. I have misplaced Atherton’s biography where he has a go at Nicholas for being too excited, but it summed him up – I’ll dig it out and post it when I do come across it. Mark Nicholas will be on C5 for the Ashes, so even with Botham tutting away, I’ll be getting my highlights from Sky.
Most loathsome sports news presenter (All Sport)
Chris Hollins is a joke. He trivialises sport, and acts like a chimp on the BBC Breakfast News sofa. Although ZS may lobby for Jim White, a UNESCO World Heritage ****, if I take what it does to my blood pressure as the measure, it has to be Hollins.
Most loathsome commentator (Football)
Tough one as I get most of my football on Sky, and that’s limited. Motson is an old fart that needs to be pensioned off. Alan Parry is full of righteous indignation but I still remember him as the athletics commentator on ITV so he has no standing in my eyes. No, I think, for his rehearsed monologues and tedious posturing commentating, and claiming the worst on ITV from Clive “did I mention Barcelona, Manchester United, Solskjaer” Tyldesley, is Peter Drury. His reading out of the “Rangers Legends” not to have played in a European final with that outfit was extraordinary. Awful performance.
Most loathsome commentator (Cricket)
Mark Nicholas for the reasons stated above. Should be banned from British television.
Most loathsome commentator (US Sport)
Michael Kay or Chris Berman. Tough. On my original notes I gave it to Berman because he’s seen as some sort of sporting behemoth on ESPN, with his two minute drill and his domination of Monday Night Football with more esteemed, distinguished guests. He clearly loves himself and he’s clearly bonkers. Michael Kay is the voice of the Yankees, with all the wiggle room in his commentary on YES as the presenters of the Moscow Evening News had under Brezhnev. However, what clinches it for me was a drive back from Rowe to New Jersey in September when I heard Kay lay into the Yankees with a gusto and a force I’d never heard from him before. He slagged off player after player, fan after fan, in a manner which if he tried that on in a Yankee broadcast would have him sacked in an instant. You f*cking hypocrite, Kay. You win.
Most loathsome commentator (Other)
Euan Murray, the voice of Sky Sports Golf. Another twat full on the hyperbole, but also keen to show he’s in with the in crowd. Makes the Ryder Cup almost unbearable to watch, which is one good thing that my ear infection brought about, because I was in the States when that was on.
The Lewis Hamilton Award for Least Convincing Excuse
I may need to come back to that one. I’m looking at the BBC (and other) athletics commentators defending Christina Uhorougou, as they couldn’t win the hypocrisy award while Matthew Hayden is spouting crap like that.
The Steve McClaren Good In A Crisis Award
Ian Bell would be the obvious choice for digging us out of many a hole in the England team. But Amir Khan is the new kid on the block here for going down against the first half decent fighter he came across and losing his head. You can get rid of most of your faults as a boxer, but what you can’t lose is a glass jaw. Ask Charlie Magri.
The Kevin Pietersen Sports God Award
I wasn’t taken by the Michael Phelps orgy of golds. I’m sorry, but there’s something quite unedifying about it, but that’s the American way. I would like to say Chris Hoy for his Olympic performances, and true, he was a brilliant and worthy winner of BBC Sports Personality of the Year. To me it is tempered by the fact that if given the same opportunities by the Olympic organisers, Victoria Pendleton would have matched those three golds (and I happen to think she’s quite nice too!). But for transcending a sport, making sprinting the king again, the 2008 Sports God is Usain Bolt. You don’t smash the most amazing record in the book, the most iconic record in the book and the relay record as well without being special. And then to do that on the biggest world stage, you are truly amazing.
You Should F*cking Retire Now Award
Take this as a positive – Joe Calzaghe. Please do it. I hated it that you fought Roy Jones Jr, who has been past it for about six year now. Leave it at that. Your reputation was enhanced when you beat Bernard Hopkins only after the Executioner went on to duff up Kelly Pavlik who should have been your next fight. Retire as an unbeaten legend, and don’t tarnish your legacy.
The Ricky Ponting Award for Brazen Hypocrisy
Harry Redknapp has some absolute front for jumping ship from Portsmouth, but then nothing that odious crook does surprises me. Willy MacKay must be salivating at the prospect of a January transfer window. Most Premier League managers should be up for it for their utter stupidity in front of the camera after something goes against them, and Wenger is one who is now really grating on me now his team is fading into obscurity. However, Matthew Hayden gets it for this absolute classic…
Were you taught from a young age that you are in it to win it always?
Within anything there is competitiveness to our culture. There is a perception that Australian people will win at all costs. That is true. We are very strong believers in winning, but winning ethically.
Sledging, bullying, intimidating, slurring, annoying, goading, cheating… the ethics of a snake. I laugh at your demise, Hayden.
The Andrew Flintoff You Are A Bloody Idiot Award.
If you take a gun into a nightclub and end up shooting yourself in the leg, facing a long stretch and probably voiding your lucrative contract at the best NFL team, you’d have to be a bit of a fruit loop. Stand up, if you can, Plaxico Burress.
And for a couple of positive ones
British Sportsperson of the Year
Chris Hoy. Three gold medals, and all the hints of a great bloke as well. Even if he is from Scotland. Honourable mentions to Rebecca Adlington, Bradley Wiggins and Lewis Hamiton
International Sportsperson of the Year
Usain Bolt. As said before, just an amazing performance at the Olympics. Honourable mentions to Rafael Nadal, Michael Phelps (not to sniff at his achievements), Paul Pierce of the Boston Celtics and Dale Steyn.
Individual Performance of the Year
Usain Bolt in the Olympic 200 metres. I never thought that world record would be broken.
Team of the Year
In the UK it has to go to our track cyclists who carried all before them. On the international front, it is a tie between the South African cricket team who are taking test cricket apart with away series victories in England and Australia (and should have won in India but for a scandalous pitch at Kanpur) and the New York Giants for shocking the world in the Superbowl and beating the undefeatable Patriots.
Best Sporting Moment
The last lap at Sao Paolo in the Brazilian Grand Prix. I think I was having a last drink in the UK before I got married and my brother was giving me a lift over to the venue, and we watched the finale in his house (I could be wrong about the details). It was an incredible spectacle as Hamilton first lost the title as the rain came down and then came back to win it with his last lap overtaking of Glock. It was exhilarating. The other grabbing moments were the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl, Boston’s Game 5 comeback against the Rays, Windybricks beating the Dog Chains 3-1 in our Cup Final, and watching our team pursuitists demolish their foes live. I never saw Usain Bolt live, so can’t really get that in here. Honourable mention also to the Federer v Nadal Wimbledon final. It truly was a classic.
