Ignore All I Said…

New York Consulate. You did a fine, professional job.

The Best NEWS for Christmas. Absolutely over the moon!

Before I Leave – BBC Breakfast News…

There I was, yesterday morning. Full of the joys of a Monday morn’, awaiting eagerly the challenges of the week ahead, with the sheer ecstasy of life pouring through my veins like nirvana intravenously. You get the picture…

Ah, let’s have a very non-working class Dmitri Bagel before one wanders off on the trek to the tunnel of Le Mural Noir – apologies for murdering the language – and see what awaits me on BBC Strictly Come Phone Vote Breakfast. Once past the crass stupidity referred to in my post below, BBC Breakfast decides that it should end my gaiety and joy  by putting this person on my screen.

It absolutely goes without saying that she ticks many of the required boxes to get herself in the “Come The Revolution” box so prevalent along the right hand side of this blog. She writes for the Daily Mail. Check. She has a posh twits name. Check. She’s a do-gooding green freak. Check.

I had to switch the TV off before it was despatched through the kitchen window. Listen, if you have got f*cking time to make Christmas decorations out of f*cking orange peel darling, you are a bloody layabout. If you think writing your piece for the very eco-friendly Daily Mail is work, I suggest you think again, Schizonade or whatever your toffee-nosed name is. Oh look, the do-gooder is married to Zak Goldsmith which means these two lecturing pricks can go on about their green-freakery to their heart’s content when they don’t have to worry where their next f*cking penny is coming from. Look, I’m not rubbing two ha’pennies together myself, well at least until Mrs Dmitri the VS Addict comes over (only joking beloved), but the thought these two multi-millionaires are given house room to lecture to us, the great unwashed, by a BBC Breakfast intent on seeing my systolic number reach record levels is extraordinary. And what sort of f*cking name is She-ra-zanie bint anyway?

Calm down Dmitri.

No I won’t. Here is an article from the hand-wringing, bed-wetting do-gooder’s paper from 2004. Jesus. That’s me having a stroke, that is. We know we are in for a real treat with the first couple of lines.

“I’m grateful to Mrs Zac Goldsmith before I even meet her. The wife of the multi-millionaire editor of the Ecologist has left me a voicemail message confirming arrangements, which also reveals how the hell you pronounce her name – Sheherazade.”

Don’t these people see irony when they write it…

Another bit..

“Not that she’d dream of preaching to her friends, though she does sometimes phone their local authorities to order recycling bins for them, and she has been bulk-buying copies of the two most feisty polemics on the conventional food industry, Shopped by Joanna Blythman and Not on the Label by Felicity Lawrence, to give to friends for Christmas.”

God Give Me Strength. If someone bought me a book called “Lose Weight You Fat Bastard”, I’d very much doubt that the book was meant as a little prod.

I am about to explode. Leave me alone. Take your husband with you…up against the wall multi-millionaire, do-gooding eco-freaks.

Enough. I have GREAT NEWS…..

Some Observations From The Past Few Days

First Up – Thieving Bastards.

I had my wallet pinched in my local post office on Saturday. The little bastards, or maybe not so little, who used their grubby light fingers to either pickpocket me or take what did not belong to them if I left it on the counter for a split second are now up the princely sum of £20. I hope they use it to buy very poor quality drugs laced with a lethal substance which leads to them being in right trouble. I know that’s not very christian, but f*ck them, quite frankly. I am a clumsy clot, who has lost his stuff before, most notably in Australia two years ago, but this one was pretty damn sneaky. A kind woman found the wallet later, having been chucked in the road, and returned it to me, sans £20. There are some good people around. They hadn’t nicked my WindyBricks season pass, which was a relief of sorts. Nor did the thick f*ckers see a perfectly good gift card in there they could have helped themselves to. Most of the rest of the belongings, including all bank cards and credit cards had to be cancelled, so I am illiquid Dmitri with a begging bowl at the moment.

WindyBricks unexpected resurgence continued on Saturday with a last minute winner in Warsaw for the hard of hearing. The mighty bricks took a first half lead from the Chopping Explosionist, who chose Dresden over Warsaw, who equalled the record of a Norfolk Town with cuddly toys for the Windyones. They equalised. The winner was scored in the dying embers of the game when “Comes Alive” notched a vital couple of extra points in front of the Brick faithful. 2-1 and second behind the Tax Avoiding Jockeys, and back to a point above the concrete cow economists. The mighty dog chains are falling away on the back of another defeat, and when The Palace Team from the Railway Yard come to the Slightly Less Old Than Old Watts Stadium on Saturday, we may get the chance to vault the Tax Avoiding Jockeys, although I doubt it. Make sense of that, did we?

Meanwhile the Miami Dolphins continued their faintly ridiculous run to the play-offs with a third win on the bounce and our sixth in seven. This was completed by for the third game in a row preventing the opposition, this time the 49ers, from breaching our goal-line for a Touchdown. Good on ‘em, because the offense is spluttering like me in a dustcloud. Meanwhile the beloved’s Giants are suffering through injuries, most laughably including their wide receiver shooting himself in the leg. He goes by the name “Brains of the Outfit”. Pittsburgh, my tip at the start of the season, Houdinied their way out of another hole this weekend and look the worst team with a good record ever. Their defense is keeping them alive. The Colts are also on a roll, and could be a dangerous foe come play-off time, as Tennessee, the pace-setters, find it tough going at the moment.

Some quick reviews of things I’ve seen or read in the past week or so….

Film -

Bourne Ultimatum – yeah, yeah, it ain’t new, but I liked it. Well worthy of my attention while ironing the XXL Dmitri work attire.

Book -

Jeremy Bowen – War Stories (Book) – pretty good read, and quite honest about his times in war zones. How he got addicted to being in these godforsaken holes when shot and shell were all around, and how his outlook changed once a colleague got wiped out in the same car as him by the Israelis. I actually like the guy on the news, so he was going to get a pass in my eyes if it was slightly below par, but it was a jolly good read. Top show Jeremy!

CD -

Rogue Audio – Haphazard – Hmmmm. Not sure why I’m writing this because I haven’t really given this my full attention yet, but heard the last few tracks on the CD driving into the office today and was pretty impressed. They actually did a pretty good pared down version of Phil Collins’ “Take Me Home”, but their own compositions including the seemingly merged “Someone” and “Game Face” were very much worth a listen. I shall report back further should I have any comments. Global Underground, the dance label from which this came, have a pretty decent tradition of good CDs, and this isn’t bad at all.

Next on this many varied travel through Dmitri’s addled brain is – feeling sad. Next Thursday will be the 4th Christmas without my mum, and the 3rd without my dad. Every year it is supposed to get less painful, when in truth, it is probably hurting more now than it ever did. I am blessed to be married to a lovely American lady who is currently stuck over there due to the f*cking senseless stupidity of the UK visa system – come in Abu Hamza, you lovely person you – and I’m praying she’ll be here for Christmas, because without her, it’s going to be a shocker. I haven’t really felt like celebrating the last couple of years, and my government’s obstreperousness and tardiness means I’ll probably be “Ever So Lonely” this Christmas again. I pay my taxes to these people, and they control me. No mum, no dad, no beloved… it really is no time to be a depressed Dmitri!

I shall return with some comments on how the Yankees decided that sticking with youth and developing your young pitchers is only allowed to happen for one year before your knee jerks back up and frees the wallet from the trouser pocket. Come in CC. Come in AJ. Who wants to take the evil shilling of the mob from the Bronx next…..

Night night.

A Short, But Sweet, Comment

Memo to BBC Breakfast News, Radio Five Live and assorted media outlets.

Subject: Strictly Come Dancing

Issue: The contrived result on Saturday.

Message: If you hadn’t noticed, the economy is in meltdown, people’s futures are at stake and life is getting a lot tougher. Will you stop filling up our airtime with nonsensical piffle on phone votes for a Saturday Night Light Entertainment show. I really don’t give a flying toss. If the dumbed down automatons masquerading as the British Public are stupid enough to waste their time moaning about a 15p phone call to a show that is more rigged than the Gulf of Mexico, then let them lose their money. They deserve to be punished for their utter stupidity. Especially if they vote 20 times. Every vote counts my hole.

P.S. Did I tell you I don’t give a toss?

Signed: Dmitri